but the things you do for love

Rumi said: “God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites, so that you will have two wings to fly, not one.”

Yesterday, there was more No than Yes, more darkness than light, more fear than joy. Sure, I did my day. I went through the paces and checked some things off my list. I went to work, I had some meetings, I went to yoga, I connected with friends. I had a good sweat, even made a healthy dinner for myself. But it was a struggle. I felt puffy, out of sorts. Anxious and heavy. The whole day, from the moment I cracked my itchy hay fever eyes with a groan to my last small sigh before sleeping, was just harder than most.

Today, I woke early, effortlessly, the sun streaming through my bedroom window. Today is a Yes. I worked out, I laughed, I made myself a delightful breakfast. I ate it, slowly, in the sunshine. I watched little children play in my back yard. I read an arty magazine. I found a check in the mail instead of a bill. There is just as much to do today as always. And certainly, in the world, as much darkness as ever. But in my day I find an irrepressible lightness.

And the thing is, yesterday could have been just as joyful as today. Or the sweet events of today as clouded with anxiety and doubt as yesterday’s. Perhaps it is true that we, and we alone, create our happiness. That it is a choice, each day, to live in joy. And perhaps, equally true, is that we need our Yes days and our No’s. Two wings to fly.

And small sandwiches.

• • • • • • • • • • • • •

Savory: Avocado, sprouts & tomato (1st of the season - delicious!) with Sun Valley Spicy Sweet Mustard on toasted Bhutanese red rice bread
Sweet: Organic peanut butter, fresh strawberry compote & sliced strawberries on toasted Bhutanese red rice bread

Sip: Earl Red Tea from Samovar

I, and the beautiful yogis in this pictures, just finished up a month long Bhakti Flow yoga teacher training with Rusty Wells. It was intense, and challenging, and amazing. We stretched (inside and out), and sometimes cracked right open. We taught and learned and forgot and taught and learned some more. We sat, and sang, and laughed and cried. We connected. We inhaled. And exhaled. We trusted and we questioned. We stood on our feet, and on our hands, and on our heads. Boy did we sweat. We gave and we received. We opened. We opened. We opened.

And now, I have a new community of friends, a clearer voice, a stronger more flexible body, and a softer heart.

I am so grateful.

And who knows, I just might teach some yoga!

Okay, so I know it’s been AGES since I’ve written anything. It’s not that I haven’t been thinking or cooking or dreaming or scheming. I have. I’ll prove it to you by being much more consistent in the coming months. Promise.

Here’s the thing. I’m starting my own business and I love it. It’s hard to really describe the feeling of knowing, really just knowing deep down in your roots, that you’re doing what you’re meant to be doing here on this planet. Or at least that you’re on the right path. Walking the right direction, with intention and bravery – toward your passion. And here’s the other thing. It’s freaking terrifying sometimes. Really. Terrifying. It’s also more work than I ever could have imagined. I mean people try to warn you, right? But you can’t really listen because you would never ever sign up for this. And also because, sort of like having a child I’d imagine, you can’t possibly tap into the natural motivation and drive that keeps you going every day until you have the cute, drooling little bugger, and then you realize you wouldn’t want to be doing anything else in the world. (Well, okay, let’s be honest – I’d always take a weekend in the Bahamas, but you catch my drift, right?)

So what have I been doing since last I wrote? Working my butt off, that’s what. Mostly I’ve been designing, building, furnishing and otherwise setting up my very first office. (That, and seeing clients, working on the FEED website (coming soon, promise!), designing crazy things for a heart suturing device company and memorizing an anatomy book for my Yoga Teacher Training.) But back to the office. It’s in this really great multi-use building in the Mission District in SF. As my friend Katie commented: “It’s like the office equivalent of a dorm!”, and I guess she’s sort of right. There’s an artist across the hall from me, a designer to the left, 2 little recording studios at the end of the hall, a sculptor, a massage therapist…the list goes on. It’s a cool community of people doing what they love. My space is tiny, but cheap, and perfect for me.

And. Man was it RAW when I moved in. You can look at the pictures if you want confirmation on that, but suffice it to say – rough drywall in need of mudding and sanding, dirty, unsanded plywood floors and a utility sink sticking out of the wall. I had my work cut out for me. And let’s not forget that I’m on a budget (big time). So the goal was to create a warm, inviting, efficient space with not much scrilla. Ready? Go!

I’m not going to pretend that any part of it was easy. I agonized, I designed, I procrastinated, I re-designed, I pulled things out of magazines, I fell in love with things I couldn’t afford, I checked myself, I went to the rummage yard, I painted and repainted (4 times…ok, 5), I ordered things (big things) and sent them back, I tried to do it alone, I enlisted help, I decided I couldn’t afford the help, I tried to do it alone, I decided I couldn’t afford not to have help, I enlisted help, I hammered my fingers and fell off of ladders, I ruined my jeans and blew off social engagements and talked to myself (a-lot), I made friends with the clerks at the paint store, and the hardware store. I ate puffins and trail mix for dinner. I missed yoga and felt like crap. I blasted my music at 3am and did downward dogs while waiting for the caulk to dry. And then I put a chair in, and a light, and my computer. And then one day, I finished!

Sigh.

It’s not perfect. Not even close. But I’m here, and it’s mine, and I love it.